Beta Couple
by sinemoras09
Summary: Yato gets jealous of Kazuma. Gen. Crack. Background established Kazuma/Bishamon, Yato/Hiyori. No spoilers. AU.


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1.

"So," Hiyori said. "Kazuma-san and Bishamon-sama are-"

"Are friggin' more glued to the hip than usual?" Yato said.

"Um," Hiyori said.

"Are bein' so gross and lovey dovey it makes ya wanna puke?"

"Ano," Hiyori began.

"Are-"

"Ugh, Yato, they're acting the same!" Yukine said. Yato slammed his hands on the table.

"But Kazuma was supposed to meet me to play video games and he keeps calling to cancel!"

"What a pain," Yukine said, and he went back to his homework.

"So are Bishamon-sama and Kazuma-san dating, then?" Hiyori said. Yukine nodded.

"Yeah. And that shitty jersey's been super jealous ever since."

"I'm not jealous, Yukine! I'm just sayin' that stupid skank doesn't even appreciate him!"

"See?" Yukine said. Beside them, Yato's phone rang.

"That's Kazuma!" Yato said, and he dove forward to pick up his phone. "No, wait, I'm not answering. I don't want him to think I'm too eager. Yeah that's right, Kazuma! The Yatogami is _busy_. I'm not sitting at home, waiting by my phone! What kind of a stupid loser am I?"

"Um," Hiyori said.

"But what if it's an emergency?" Yato said. "AGGH HE HUNG UP!" Yato's phone buzzed.

KAZUMA: [Just finished our patrol]  
KAZUMA: [Do you still want to come over?]

"Should I text back?" Yato said. Yukine banged his head against the table. 

xXx

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It was hard being BFFs with someone whose master actively hated you, but somehow Kazuma and Yato made it work. Throughout the years, Kazuma was always there to support him - he managed to go to all of Yato's concerts and buy all of Yato's trinkets, and was even there to cheer him on when Yato tried out skiing for the Olympic qualifiers. ("There were many athletes praying to Veena for victory," Kazuma explained, but Yato knew Kazuma had made the trip especially for him.) They hung out under cover of darkness, met for drinks or dinner and occasionally swapped tips for finding phantoms that were prowling around the area. Sometimes, Kazuma even handed Yato a few wishes Bishamon had outsourced: "a local minor deity will be handling this," he'd tell her, which was technically not a lie.

In truth, Yato saw Kazuma more when the stupid skank was hunting him. Now that he and the skank were dating Yato barely saw him at all.

Yato was moping over a bowl of rice while Hiyori and Yukine were sitting around the table. "I'm sure Kazuma-san would have come over if you invited him. I mean, Kazuma-san and Bishamon-sama only made plans because you didn't text him."

"That's not the point, Hiyori!" Yato said. "If I texted him, Kazuma would only hang out with me out of obligation." Hiyori glanced at Yukine, who made an exasperated _well what the shit do I know?_ and doubled down on his homework. Yato slumped forward, miserably.

"Don't worry about him, Hiyori-chan," Daikoku said. He set a bottle of beer in front of Yato and stood, wiping his hands on his apron. "This guy here's just a little bit jealous since Kazuma's been datin' Bishamon."

"I'm not jealous!" Yato said.

"Uh huh," Daikoku said. He took a drag of his cigarette and sat down beside them.

"Don't worry, Yato-chan~~" Kofuku said. "Once Kazu-chan gets used to ~doing it~ with Bisha, things will be back to normal in no time!"

"EH?!" Hiyori reddened and Yukine coughed loudly.

"Oh~~? Could it be that Hiyorin and Yuki don't know about it?" Kofuku said. "It's when two people really love each other, except you can ~also~ do it if you ~don't~ love each other, and it feels ~super good~ and-"

"KOFUKU! Stop corruptin' the kids!" Daikoku said.

"Well, Yato...even if that's the case," Hiyori said, blushing, "Kazuma-san is still your friend. It's not a big deal if you call him."

"But...but what if he doesn't want to hang out?" Yato said.

"Eh?" Hiyori said.

"What if he'd rather hang out with the skank instead of coming over?!"

"Yato," Hiyori said. "Are you not calling him because you're afraid of rejection?"

"...No."

"Well I think you should call him," Hiyori said, and she reached over and picked up Yato's phone.

"HIYORI!" Yato said, and he lunged for the phone. "Hiyori! WAAAH! Wait! _Wait!_ SEKKI!" Yato said, and in one swift movement he cut the cellphone in half.

"Yato!" Hiyori said.

"Oi! What did I say about wielding weapons in the house?!" Daikoku said. 

xXx

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Yukine huffed and scratched his head, frowning. It was true, Kazuma-san didn't respond to Yato's messages as quickly as he used to before, and it was also true that he and Bishamon-sama were suddenly really busy, and outside of patrol, he and Yato didn't really see them - but it wasn't as if they were fighting and Kazuma was actively avoiding him. "Get a life," Yukine had said, but Yato just whined and sniffed and sat with his pigeon while Hiyori gently scratched his head in the corner.

"See this, Yukine? Even Kazuma's crap gifts are still useful!"

Now Yato was sniffling and petting his pigeon, which cooed and snuggled against Yato's arm, while Hiyori sat next to him, patting his back sympathetically. "He even made a fluffy fluff scarf for him," Yato said, tearfully. He showed Yukine the pigeon's scarf. "'I'm a coo phone.' A coo phone! Because I wanted a 'cool phone'! See how much he was thinkin' of me?"

"Ugh, Yato! It's not like you guys broke up!" Yukine said. Yato wailed.

"Yato, Yukine-kun is right," Hiyori said. "Kazuma-san is still your friend. Just because he's busy doesn't mean you're any less important."

"That's not true, Hiyori! I saw Kazuma more when I was bein' hunted by the skank!"

"Ugh," Yukine said. "You are such a pain. What are you gonna do when Hiyori meets someone?"

"Eh?" Hiyori said. Yato sat up.

"Hiyori's gonna be my bride, she's not gonna meet someone!"

"EH?!" Hiyori said. Yukine crossed his arms.

"Well I'm just saying, you're acting as if Kazuma-san were Hiyori," Yukine said. ("Yukine-kun, what are you saying?!" Hiyori said.) Yato slumped over.

"You guys don't get it," Yato said. ("Why is no one answering my question?!" Hiyori said.) "When I was a god of calamity, Kazuma was the only one who'd stay with me. Before it was just the stray and my dad, all my other shinki were afraid of me. No one wanted to work for a god who killed human beings - whenever I'd use 'em they'd all just sting me. Kazuma was the one who told me I could be something else.

"And then when I _did_ try to be something else, no one would stay with me because I was poor!"

"Well, Yato, it's perfectly normal to miss him," Hiyori said. "Kazuma-san is your friend. That's not going to change, even if you don't spend as much time with him."

"But Hiyori! I'm so lonely, Hiyori!" Yato wailed. He lunged face-first into Hiyori's lap. "Everyone always leaves me!"

"Y-Yato! What are you doing?!"

Yukine rolled his eyes and turned away from them.

A phone buzzed. Yato and Hiyori looked up to see Yukine texting on a brand new flip phone.

"Hey Yato," Yukine said. "Kazuma-san says he might stop by," and he showed them the message.

"HAH? Yukine! Where did you get that phone?!"

"I bought it with my allowance since you used me to break the last one."

Yato grabbed the phone from him. Hiyori peered over Yato's shoulder.

YUKINE: [Hey Kazuma-san. Yato is being annoying. Wanna come over?]  
KAZUMA: [Sure]  
KAZUMA: [...]  
KAZUMA: [Veena and I have plans currently but maybe afterwards we can stop by]

"Wha- he's hanging out with the skank first?" Yato said. 

xXx

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6 PM. The sky was already starting to darken, and the street lamps flickered on outside. The three of them walked down the street, Yato hunched over with his hands in his pockets while Hiyori spoke encouragingly next to him, Yukine walking a few steps behind them and keeping a lookout for phantoms. "See, Yato? Isn't this nice? We'll get something to eat and then we can stop by Takamagahara to see if Kazuma is free."

"Ne, Hiyori?"

"Yes, Yato?"

"...You don't think you'd leave me, right, Hiyori?"

Hiyori glanced up. There was a shadow over Yato's eyes.

"Hey look," Yukine said, and Yato and Hiyori turned. "It's Bishamon-sama and Kazuma-san."

Yukine pointed. Kazuma and Bishamon were walking across the street from them.

"Oh!" Hiyori said, clapping her hands. "We should say hi!" and she went to wave at them before Yato grabbed her arm and pulled her behind a newspaper stand.

"Yato?"

"Shh!" Yato said. She and Yukine glanced at Bishamon and Kazuma again. They were smiling and talking. Bishamon laughed and touched Kazuma on the arm.

"That stupid skank," Yato said, glaring behind the newspaper stand. "Kazuma's not even that funny, why the heck is she laughing? We should go spy on them!" Yato said.

"What? Why?" Hiyori said.

"Because, Hiyori! I wanna see how that skank is treating him!"

"Yato I don't think this is a good idea," Hiyori said, frowning. Yato moved forward.

There was a love motel at the end of the block. Red blinking signs, a gaudy heart-shaped motif decorating its doors, the motel stood like a beacon, couples wandering in and out of the gated compound without a hint of shyness. "Oh, Kazuma," Bishamon said, and she stood outside the doorway. "They charge by the hour. This seems rather expensive. Can you imagine how much it would cost to stay the night? What if you had a family and you had to book more than one room?"

"Er, that typically isn't what a love motel is used for, Veena."

"Oh?" Bishamon said. Kazuma stared at the ground, his ears turning red.

"Well, this sorts of thing is more geared toward couples who, ah, still live with their families. For people who need a modicum of privacy."

"Oh," Bishamon said. "You mean for sex." Kazuma jerked his head up, blushing furiously. She smiled. "Do you want to?" she asked. Kazuma fidgeted nervously.

"Er, well-maybe?"

Bishamon smiled. "Kazuma. You needn't be so nervous," Bishamon said. She stepped forward and took his hand. "You have me."

Kazuma looked up, surprised. She smiled at him reassuringly.

They were about to kiss when a trash can banged heavily.

"AGGH!" Yato said, and he tripped over the garbage can, a banana peel still on his head.

"Yatogami?!"

"Yato?!"

"Uh," Yato said. He stood up, a few pieces of garbage falling off him.

"Kazuma-san! Bishamon-sama!" Yukine and Hiyori ran up toward them. "We're so sorry, we tried to stop him-"

"The heck were ya doing, Bishamon?! Ya trying to molest him?!"

"Excuse me?" Bishamon said. Kazuma reddened and shoved up his glasses.

Yato pointed. "I saw what you were doin' Bishamon! Way to pressure poor Kazuma! Dontcha know that 'no means no'?!"

"Yato I think we should go," Hiyori said.

"No way, Hiyori! That skank is taking advantage of Kazuma!" Yato shook Hiyori's grip off his arm and pointed again. "I see what you're doing, Bishamon! Plying him with alcohol. Taking him to the sketchy side of town-"

Bishamon sputtered, "I am _not_ -"

"He's a delicate little flower and you're about to defile him!"

"Wha- Yato! Veena is not going to deflower me!" Kazuma said. Yukine smacked himself on the forehead. Bishamon crossed her arms.

"Out of consideration for young Yukine and your follower, I'll ignore your remarks for now," Bishamon said.

"But know this, magatsukami - you are lucky I am unarmed." 

xXx

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2.

"That idiot magatsukami! How dare he suggest I'd bespoil you!"

Veena was putting lotion on her legs. Which, ordinarily, would be a rather benign task, except Veena was angry and was furiously slapping gobs of lotion on her skin, practically dumping the entire bottle. "You are my precious, precious chouki and I would never _force_ you-"

More slapping. Streaks of white lotion smeared across her leg. Kazuma sighed and gently took the bottle away from her.

"He is a bit overprotective," Kazuma said, sitting next to her. He positioned her leg on his lap and started rubbing lotion on her calf. "But I assure you Veena, Yato did not mean any harm."

"I swear he is as possessive of you as he is that human girl," Veena said. "Heaven help the poor soul who wins her affections! I feel sorry for his follower."

Outside the compound, Yato was sneaking beneath their window. The light from inside the room glowed a soft orange in the inky darkness, and Yato could see Kazuma and Bishamon sitting on the bed. The skank's legs were on Kazuma's lap, and Kazuma was rubbing lotion on her calves.

What the heck?! He'd rather slap some lotion on the skank instead of hanging out with him?! Yato's eyes narrowed.

"What is it?" Bishamon said. Kazuma had stopped smoothing on the lotion and was looking up, glancing around.

"Nothing," Kazuma said, rising. "I just need to go check something."

Bishamon frowned and pulled her legs off his lap, watching him stand.

"Aggh," Yato said. He was climbing the trellis on the wall, but the stupid thing was starting to buckle under his weight. "Careful, _careful_ -"

"Yato what do you think you're doing?" Kazuma said below him.

"AGGH!" Yato said, and the trellis snapped in half, Yato tumbling down the wall.

"Owwww," Yato said. He had landed butt-first in the rose bushes. Kazuma sighed tragically and extended a hand.

"Do I even need to ask why you were spying on us, Yato?" Kazuma said, pulling him up. Yato jumped on his feet, glaring.

"I wasn't spying, Kazuma! I was _watching_ , it's part of bein' a god!"

"Oh I see. And I suppose because Veena doesn't skulk about other people's homes and peep in on their private moments she's been remiss in her duties."

"You're her guide. You tell me," Yato said. He picked a few rose thorns from his jersey.

They descended back to the Near Shore. The streets were surprisingly busy at this time of night, but the dark was still and there were no phantoms or storms. "Look at you, checkin' in with the skank," Yato said, as Kazuma texted Bishamon. "You used to be a free man! Now it's like ya got a leash."

"I'm just letting her know where I am, Yato. I don't want her to worry about me."

"Must be nice," Yato said. His tone was wistful. Kazuma looked up.

He had forgotten that for most of his life, Yato was one who was unwanted. He would disappear for months, sometimes years at a time, without anyone wondering where he went or trying to check up on him. Those times, Kazuma would track down lady Kofuku and try to find out where Yato had gone, knowing full well that it was just as likely that Yato had ceased to exist. Gods without followers winked out in a silent oblivion, and during those times Kazuma would descend to the mortal realm and search for him, using his abilities the same way he did when he found Yato to save Veena.

He always found him; traces of his life force like flickers in the back of his mind.

"So Yato," Kazuma said, and Yato glanced up.

"Did you still want to play your game?" 

xXx

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3.

"So how are things goin' between you and the skank anyway?" Yato said. He tapped his thumbs furiously against his controller. "Is it weird?"

"Not weird," Kazuma said. He tapped his thumbs on the controller. "It's nice."

Yato's eyes were trained on the TV. "So what do you guys do, anyway? You already see each other every day."

More tapping. "I suppose we usually just get dinner and discuss the state of her godhood."

On the screen, Kazuma's avatar spun into a roundhouse kick, knocking Yato's lifebar down a few notches. Yato frowned. "How's that any different than before you were going out?"

"Er, well." Kazuma didn't look at him. "Veena and I do other things, now."

"Oh, EW! KAZUMA!" Yato said. "I did NOT need to know that!"

Kazuma sputtered. "I meant spending time after work! I wasn't talking about _that_!"

Onscreen, their avatars grunted. _Arr! ARR!_

"In any case," Kazuma said. "Veena and I are happy."

Yato glanced back at him.

"Good," Yato said. And then, "I'm glad."

They didn't say anything for a little bit, tapping on their controllers.

"Yato," Kazuma began, and he hesitated. "Is everything all right?"

The fight on the screen ended, Kazuma winning the match. Yato lifted his eyes toward him, then set down his controller.

"It's just," Yato rubbed his neck, looking away from him, "It's just that you've been so busy since you started seeing the skank, and I got nobody else to play with."

"Is that all?" Kazuma said. "I thought Yukine plays games, you could ask him?"

"Yukine studies with Hiyori." Yato didn't look at him. "Kofuku has Daikoku and Yukine has Hiyori. And I just thought you and me, you know...I mean, it's not like I can hang out with Tenjin!" Yato said, turning toward him. "That old fart smells like moth balls and foot cream! And forget Tomone! Tomone kinda hates me."

"Well I doubt Mayu-san has any interest in games." Kazuma switched off the TV and folded his hands on his lap. "My apologies, Yato. I never meant to take for granted our friendship."

"Tch. Well you'll see how it feels when I marry Hiyori!"

"I probably will," Kazuma said, and he picked up his controller.


End file.
